How to Trap a Bule Guy in Bali
All Indonesian readers out there, finally, this is the article you have always been waiting for. So you finally have the good fortune to be able to move to Canggu, Bali, where there is a plethora of bule (White/Caucasian) guys that you’ve always coveted, waiting to secure his trophy Indonesian girlfriend.
If you are struggling to get a job and make enough money amid this ongoing national economic recession, what could be better than finding a bule digital nomad or investor who earns in Dollar or Euro, which means a lot of Rupiah, who could pay all your bills, from housing to food? Better yet, the guy might want to marry you then take you to wherever he is from (the USA, Europe or Australia), where you could enjoy a better standard of living and have social security (which, by the way, doesn’t exist in Indonesia)?
You might have already read our previous article on Bule Hunters that there are lots of Caucasian guys in Bali who are more than willing to pay for their girlfriends’ everything. You will also be able to brag to your friends back home about having a bule boyfriend. However, the adage that there is no free lunch holds true here. You must realize that none of these favors will come for free. In exchange for their financial support, you will have to serve these men. So, please read these tips on the characteristics you must possess in order to get a bule boyfriend in Canggu (listed in the order of importance).
- You must speak broken English
A female friend of mine, an accomplished writer from Jakarta who used to be based in Canggu, once complained to me on how hard it was for her to get a bule boyfriend, considering she spoke excellent English. I said to her, that was exactly why most bule guys did not want to date her or even have a relationship with her. If you have ever frequented popular hangout places in Canggu like the Finns Beachclub or just the Berawa beach, if you listen in on the conversation between these bule men and their trophy Indonesian girlfriend, you will start to notice that the way these women speak English is almost unintelligible.
You might wonder why on Earth do many of these bule guys want to date women who could not even communicate clearly with them. That’s because they want to have women partners who will not talk back to them. They are willing to pay all your bills in exchange for your submission. After all, most of these White men are not able to find white women who want to date them in their home countries. Why? Because the white women in these countries now expect that their boyfriends or husbands treat them with respect and give them freedom. These women will in no way want to be treated like a servant by these men. Therefore, these bule guys have to come all the way to Southeast Asian countries like Thailand or Indonesia to find women who would perform the role of a maid for them.
Once I was working as a copywriter for an NFT project run by a group of obscure bule guys in Canggu. I had to come regularly to their villa, where they set up their office. Each of those bule guys had an Indonesian girlfriend. Those men always ordered their women around, such as to open the door when the doorbell rang.
At one time, while I was busy typing, I heard one of my male clients get angry at his kept woman.
“You stupid! I told you to bring me cold water with ice cubes! Why can you never seem to understand the word I’m saying, huh?!”
The girlfriend, whom I noticed wasn’t able to speak English very well, only responded to this reprimand by remaining silent and going back to the kitchen to get some ice cubes. But I could notice the hurt on her face. The boyfriend then went on to complain to his business-mates on just how stupid his girlfriend was.
If you wonder why the guy decided to date, and go on dating, a woman who cannot speak English well despite hating her “stupidity”, this is the whole point of serving as a bule guy’s trophy woman: you are there to boost his Ego, to make him feel superior. He needs someone stupid to bash on in order to promote himself in front of his friends.
Therefore, I am sorry to say, if your English is highly polished, then your chances of securing a bule sponsor in Canggu might be low.
Then, still on the premise of your main role as these men’s Ego booster, you’d better also fulfill the second criteria, which is…
- You must act stupid, be insipid, and behave like a Drama Queen who is ridiculously weak
Anyhoo, for those of you ideal bule hunters out there who luckily passed our number one criterion for not being able to speak English well, let me support your Google Translate consultancy by providing you the definition of the Merriam-Webster’s definition of “insipid”.
Insipid = (1) lacking in qualities that interest, stimulate or challenge; (2) dull or flat.
If you’ve ever been around in Canggu (or Seminyak, for that matter), you will realize that most of the women dated by the bule guys like to act stupid or weak. They also behave like weak Drama Queens who are afraid of everything and therefore rely on their male bule partners for protection. This, as you can imagine, will greatly boost their bule partners’ fragile Egos.
For instance, I was sitting down on Berawa beach one evening and I saw a bule guy and her Indon girlfriend walking by in front of me; they were holding hands for sure. Suddenly, there was a big wave coming from the ocean.
It was not as if the wave was big enough to swallow the two of them, really. After all, it was not a fucking tsunami. Still, the woman reacted in an exaggerated, hyperbolic way, as she screamed loudly and feigned a scared look on her face: “oh no, oh noo, oh nooo!” (her pitch got higher with each additional o’s) while hugging her boyfriend super-tightly. Then, her boyfriend relished the opportunity to act like a hero, saving his girlfriend from a small wave which might get her precious legs wet. A very manly act indeed!
This is why, if you are an Indonesian woman with just a tiny glimpse of intelligence in your eyes, chances are, these men won’t be interested in you.
However, if you are smart, you can still win against these bule guys if you are good at acting or pretending that you are stupid and dramatic. Just bear with that for a while until you can get into his pants and his credit card, and stay rent free in his villa. Once you get a hold of his Indonesian debit card PIN number, withdraw his money in the nearest ATM, then poison him then fly back to Java or wherever the hell it is you’re coming from, bringing lots of money with you. Or, for a less extreme and violent scenario, get him to trust you to sign a land ownership on his behalf, then significantly jack up the price.
- Shut the fuck up/STFU 90 percent of the time. If you decide to open your mouth, speak only to praise him. Listen to him, laugh maniacally at his jokes as if they are funny.
Do not speak unless you are spoken to, even in broken English. Furthermore, do not ever challenge them or argue with them, like saying: “why you no listen to me!”. When you do choose to open your pie hole, do it only to praise them, like: “Patrick, your muscle so big,” preferably by touching and looking at these bulging steroid biceps with adoration.
Your role in your relationship with these men is also to be what writer Haruki Murakami refers to as “the Prostitute of the Ear” in one his novels. You are there to sit down and listen passively to their mansplaining.
Once, the same female friend I told you about at the beginning of this story told me of an annoying experience she had while eating at a Canggu restaurant.
“There was this American bro. Looked like he went on a date with a [local] girl. But the whole time I was sitting there, he was the only one talking. Worse yet, he was talking about himself, about his passions, his hobbies, his job, why he ended up in Bali… And the woman was just there sitting, listening at him! To me it was like listening to an audiobook, but the story was not even interesting,” she complained.
Well, another prerequisite of a good kept woman for a bule is: you let him talk your head off. Do not interrupt, do not interject. Do not even worry that you’ll have to respond in your broken English. He won’t be asking you for your opinion anyway.
Also, as a trophy girlfriend, you have to accompany him all the time, even when he’s having his hair cut at the barbershop. Because beneath his muscular physique and bravura, he is nothing more than a very fragile man who is afraid to be alone.
- You have to be good in bed
Well, he’s already paying all your bills so you have to return his favor by servicing and pleasuring him in bed. This criterion seems obvious. However, you have to remember that a lot of women can be good in bed, but not all of them have the three characteristics above that the trashy bule men in Canggu are looking for, therefore we decided to put this one at the bottom of our list!
Good luck at cultivating stupidity, drama and the “servant” heart in you. May you find your best handsome and muscular bule sponsor in Canggu!